there used to be a time when (wired) earphones would come with the phone in the box.
it’s not that long ago that we didn’t have handheld phones at all so talking about this as if it happened a 100 years back is funny, but it’s something that i actually forgot until today.
now, we don’t even get a full charger set with some phones. it’s wild that we got earphones with phones even though they weren’t specific to any phone’s port size. earphones were available separately but they were also given with the phones. just like that.
my first phone was a samsung smartphone (i don’t even remember the exact model). i was privileged and lucky to get it. i was the first one among my friends to get a phone. it was not even a second-hand that my parents passed down to me, it was a brand new phone. in fact, my parents were still using basic phones and not smartphones but my mom got one for me.
i was a very introverted child and didn’t have friends (at all) for several years. i had one for about a year who moved away. i actually refused friendship because of what i thought friendship meant (this would need a whole separate post to go into). when i finally made a few friends who i hung out with voluntarily in 8th grade, and often went out spontaneously to meet them, my mom decided that i needed a phone.
you see, i was a single child to parents who were both doing their own things. they weren’t most for of the day. for almost 5 years, i used to be alone at home from the time i came from school until my mom got off work. i had my own key but i stayed at home alone for all those hours, for all those years. we got used to it.
so when i made friends and started going out, it was a problem. i couldn’t keep calling my parents to inform them—and many times, they wouldn’t be available to pick the calls—so i would just leave and come back when i expect them to come home. but i was a teenager experiencing true friendship for the first time. of course, i came home late and they were often worried about my whereabouts and safety. hence, the phone.
while i’m incredibly grateful for the phone, i recognize now as an adult that it was a bad idea to give me a phone and not control my access to the internet. they didn’t know to because they didn’t have smartphones and weren’t tech savvy either, so they didn’t know the dangers of it. but that’s for another day.
with the phone, came the ability to download music and listen whenever i wanted. oh, what freedom.
as someone who was forced into Carnatic music and grew to hate it and didn’t have the option to explore other music, this was like being invited to a whole new world.
i spent a lot of time listening to music. i would listen to the radio often and download the songs that i liked. i tried out different artists, i picked up recommendations from everybody, and gobbled up as much as i could. i lowkey wanted to directly inject music into my veins. i still do.
fast forward a few years. i have at least a thousand songs downloaded on my phone. sometimes, when i was alone, i would play music on speaker. i wasn’t fond of it because it just wasn’t the same as listening on earphones so i didn’t do it often. but when the wires got annoying to deal with, i played on speaker.
i usually didn’t play on speaker when my parents were around. i was afraid to disturb them and take up more space figuratively. i grew up with so many insecurities and worries, no i wonder i was emotionally exhausted all the time.
i clearly remember this one incident sometime in my last years of high school that introduced a new insecurity that i would carry for years.
my room was at the other end of the house, the furthest away from the living room where my parents usually were. i decided to rearrange my shelf again, as i do, even though i had less than 20 books. i played the music on speaker (not too loud that it would be heard outside the room) so that the wires wouldn’t annoy me as i worked.
my mum came in and i, for once, did not stop the music and spoke to and continued my work. and then she made a comment about the song that was playing. it was a very racist comment that doesn’t need sharing. it had no place in that situation. just know my mom instantly hated that song (which had no slurs or anything, btw) and kept doubling down on it despite me arguing that it’s a good song. she didn’t let go and i stopped the music so that she would leave.
that incident stuck in my head but there were many more, lesser impactful, times when she would comment about the music i listened to. mainly about how it was basically shouting, had no rhythm, and was nothing compared to Carnatic music. long story short, it was in my head that my mom hated English music and a lot of the Hindi songs as well. she liked very few old Hindi songs. and she hated Tamizh music (we speak Tamizh at home, btw).
ever since that day, i stopped playing music on speaker. music became something that i could experience alone and i couldn’t play out loud at home, even in my room. even if there was no one at home, i would listen using earphones so that i wouldn’t be caught off guard.
while my love for the different kinds of music grew, it was something to be ashamed of at home. i mean, i couldn’t listen to music in my mother tongue because my mom hated even that. i could go into all of that but this is post is not about that.
fast forward to after i graduated and started earning my own money. i could buy expensive things i wanted without justifying the purchase to someone else (even though i still had to justify it to myself).
my first big purchase, 5 months after i started my internship, was the samsung galaxy buds+ BTS edition. it was, honestly, too expensive and might not have been worth the extra code just for the BTS branding, but i wanted it so bad. it was also my first pair of wireless earbuds.
i loved them so much and that amount was honestly worth the convenience of it. it was small, it my ears well, had great sound, and supported several gestures. i started wearing it all the time. my mom would sing and play her music out loud and i would plug my ears with my music.
i wore wired earphones basically all the time as well so that wasn’t new. but this changed things because 1) it was far more convenient so i wore it more often, 2) it blocked way more noise and 3) my mom couldn’t easily tell that my ears were plugged.
cue, years of mom being annoyed that i can’t hear when she yells from rooms away. i still managed, though. i loved being lost in the music and mom’s frustrations about not being heard did not dim my usage of it. i kept the volume a little lesser so i could hear if she called very loudly from the front room but that’s it.
and then, last year, i got airpods. this was another indulgence but i do not regret it at all. i love how convenient it is and i absolutely the noise cancellation and the sound, especially with spatial audio enabled.
i can’t inject music into my veins but listening on the airpods with it’s features enabled and a little high volume is pretty damn close.
of course, my mom hates my airpods even more. it’s white, so it can be seen more than my dark purple buds but my hair covers my ears most of the time anyway. and now the noise cancellation is much better so i can hear her much lesser.
over the years, her complaint has changed from “you’re listening on your earphones all the time, you can’t hear me” to “you’re listening on them all the time, your hearing will get ruined.” she’s not wrong but i also didn’t care.
for the last year or so she’s been campaigning for me to play my music on speaker and not ruin my ears. since i’m old enough to not be afraid of arguing, i clearly told her that it’s because of her distaste for my music and i’d rather she not hear it and end up saying something.
but slowly, slowly, i have started to play on speaker. it mainly started due to my colleagues, actually.
i started travelling and went on multiple trips with them. they are people who play music on speaker any time. they seemingly don’t have the insecurities that i do. and they also are passionate about music and we have a lot of music in common.
these vacations were amazing for me. we would listen to music whenever we could and i got so many new songs from their playlists. almost all of them take their phones into the bathroom while showing and play music! i had NEVER done that.
i became envious of the way they are so open about music. on one trip, i finally played music. i got a taste of listening to music loudly on speaker and enjoying it. wow, how good it felt.
so, slowly, very slowly, i started playing music on speaker on my phone at home. not too loud, never loud enough that my mom would be able to hear it from wherever she was at home. i closed the door to keep the sound in. if she came into my room, i’d stop playing and resume when i’m alone again.
but eventually, i started being more lax. i’d be working from home while listening to music and it would be too inconvenient to keep pausing when she popped in to say something. of course i still used my earphones most of the time. a couple of times, she asked me why i don’t play on speaker and i just wave her off. but that did encourage me.
for the last month or so i’ve been playing music on speaker much more often. but the phone and ipad speaker is only so good. i thought of getting a speaker for a while, whether it would be useful considering i don’t play too loud and it’s meant for that.
and then one day, my mom actually complimented a song that i like. i think i was unconsciously singing while getting ready for work in the morning (i’ve been losing myself soooo much more into music lately) and that evening when i was listening to music on speaker, she mentioned that what i was singing in the morning was nice.
insecurities builds up over time and it breaks also over time. with little comments here and there and one memorable event.
i got this year’s bonus from work and wanted to buy something for myself, saw a cute speaker, and i got it. i told my mom before buying that i’m thinking of getting it and she just said yes get it. so, i got it before i could go back on the decision.
since the time i opened it from the package and set it up less than a week ago, the speaker has been almost constantly playing music when i’m at home. and i love it.
i love having background music at home that isn’t in my ears but is loud enough. it’s not too loud of course but it’s much louder than what i used to play before. i’m grateful that my mom is just not saying anything because i want to be left alone with my music.
i genuinely want to get up in the mornings, play a good tune, and do things. yesterday, i deep cleaned a space that both of us haven’t properly cleaned in a year!! having music out loud and having control over it, having the freedom to listen to MY music, has unlocked something in me.
i start playing music right from when i wake up until i leave for office during work-from-office days and resume when i’m back home until i sleep. or if im at home, it just keeps playing all day.
i did tell my mom that she could use it when i’m not home but she seems unaffected by having a speaker at home. she just doesn’t care! and doesn’t bother using it. for days, i was stupefied about why she doesn’t it game-changing while it makes so much difference to me. only now do i realize why—it’s because she has always been playing her music out loud and never restricted it. she also sings very loudly all the time.
she does have this insecurity that i did until one day a few years back when i asked her to sing a little less loudly because it was disturbing me. she only adjusted the volume a few years back when i pointed it out as a necessity and is quite considerate now. but she doesn’t listen on earphones unless she HAS to.
having music played out loud and being able to sing loudly without worry is lifting rocks from my heart. day-by-day, i feel lighter. today, when a song i really like came on, i spread my arms and sang loudly. while mom was in the next room and could clearly hear and see me!
this freedom.. is like nothing else. earlier today, i thought “oh i wish i could inject this song into my veins” and then raised the volume and sang my heart out. it’s not the same, but it’s pretty close.
for various reasons, my relationship with my mom is strained and complicated (i still love her and am grateful for her, it’s just.. complicated). i have insecurities about taking up space in my own home. i’m slowly making changes as per my liking. i’m slowly making it a place that i’m comfortable in even if i’m not alone here.
my relationship with music and the recent freedom of music is just one thread of a mess knotted inside me. writing this post is my way of acknowledging the mess, realizing why this one thread was knotted, and how it’s coming undone. i hope to unspool this one thread completely and slowly work on the rest.
so sumedha 
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